School's Almost Out: Let's Have a Party for the Parents

Dear Fellow Parents,

It's almost here.  The END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR.  We know this because there's a different year-end celebration every other day and we're all doing our best to keep up.  Soccer team parties.  Class parties.  Scouting parties.  Field day.  This has me thinking that we need to have a huge party for all the parents, because we survived yet another school year.

So here's my (not remotely) modest proposal for my dream parents-only year-end party.

Party attire will be come as you are.  No specific theme.  No silly socks required, no specific color shirts required, just come as you are.  So friends, dry shampoo that hair for the third day in a row and wipe that peanut butter off the shirt and head out the door.  Also since I know you spend half your days looking for shoes, no shoes required.  Just come barefoot.

Party food will be all those things you try to hide from your kids so you don't have to share. You love Reese's?  Ok, we'll have bowls of them and you won't have to hide in your closet to eat them.  Or maybe you like Cheetos but don't ever get them because your kids would never eat anything else, so we'll try to have those too.  And bright red jumbo alcoholic snowballs.  Oh wait, I guess that's daiquiris? Ok daiquiris for all.  You won't have to worry about them staining your lounge wear.  We will also have fancy craft beer for the beer snobs (ahem, Seth).  Whatever we serve for food, it will be so amazing because we won't have to share it with ANYONE.  And we will get to eat it while sitting down because we won't be scrambling to get everyone else their food too.  Let's just pause and daydream about how amazing that would be. . . . Amazing!!

Party entertainment will be giant slip-n-slides and karaoke.  There will be no whining or crying because we're all adults and we should be able to wait in line for our turns on the slides.  And no one will cry when they fall off the slide and get grass burns on their arms and legs.  As for karaoke, how FUN would it be to see all your kids' classmates' parents belt out some Britney Spears or Madonna?  I think the last time I did karaoke was Bourbon Street 2004 at my bachelorette party.  Clearly it's been too long.  Start warming up those vocal cords now.  And be sure to charge your phone because without our kids with us, we'll be able to keep our phones on us the whole time and capture all the madness.

At our party, we'll also have clean bathrooms and no one will ask us to wipe their bottoms.  This may be the highlight of the whole party for me.

Goody bags.  Oh the goody bags.  Because the party itself is not enough, there will of course be goody bags.  I'm going to send you home with the most beautiful new beach tote, monogrammed with your name on it.  It'll be filled with essentials for summer.  Like a giant, beautiful candle that you can light when you're having a really long day with the kids.  It will smell just like the spa so that you can pretend you're there.  I'll give you earplugs, too, to drown out the crying and whining.  The bags will also have a new secret stash of chocolate and diet Coke Sometimes you just need them in your life.  Especially during summer.  Oh, let's also throw in a Starbucks gift card for good measure.  

In between slip-n-sliding, slurping daiquiris, and karaoke, we'll trade high-fives and pats on the back because we did it.  We survived--and thrived--for another school year.  We sat there night after night through the painstaking task of reading the new books.  We completed the special school projects about the water cycle without shedding many tears.  We kept the class hamster alive!  We didn't forget a single free dress day (can I get an amen for that!).  We went on the field trips.  We remembered to send the money for the special class projects and the teacher gifts.  In short, we rocked it for the school year, so cheers to us, fellow parents, for getting it done.  When summer is over, we'll have an even bigger party, because surviving summer is a whole other ball game.  

P.S. I'm on Facebook--Roussel Six Pack.  Feel feel to share if you'd like.