Quick note: I'm happy to share this guest post by Drew Arms. She's a college professor and mom. And she's always a bright spot in my day when I chat with her at school drop off! Thank you, Drew.
“Oh, they don’t talk to me.
I’m not one of the cool girls.” My
heart sank when my nine year old made this comment about some of her
classmates. She didn’t seem too sad
about it, and she soon went on to talk about how “cool” her locker chandelier
was. But I felt a little sad. In kindergarten, “cool” only applied to
things, not people. What is it that
divides kids into the “cool” and “uncool”?
Unfortunately, my perspective is pretty one-sided. I wasn’t one of the cool girls either. When I was in middle school, I understood this
to mean that I didn’t have the right haircut (I didn’t have bangs when everyone
else did), I didn’t wear the right clothes (no Esprit or Benetton for me; “Why
would I buy you a t-shirt that costs $30 because it has “Benetton” on it?” my
oh-so-practical mother asked), I was overweight (which automatically banished
me from the cool group), I didn’t dance, cheerlead, or play soccer. I spent much of middle and high school feeling
a lack of approval.
So, what makes a cool girl?
Cool girls, at least in my experience, are not necessarily mean girls as the movies would have you
believe (though some are) but a select group whose parents socialize with one
another, who do after-school activities together, who dress similarly, who
close off their circle of friends pretty quickly and tightly, and who seem to
find strength and identity in being part of this group.
One of my college students astutely pointed out that labeling
someone as “not cool” is the last socially acceptable way to discriminate. Most of my daughter’s peers understand that
you’re not supposed to say you don’t like someone because they’re overweight,
or poor, or of another race. But on the
playground, you can ignore, tease, and belittle someone because they’re not
cool, and that’s reason enough.
Part of the reason that my daughter isn’t thought of as cool
has nothing to do with her, but with me.
Her father and I don’t move in a lot of social circles and don’t aspire
to; we’re happy homebodies. Also, my
daughter and I are introverts, and introverts tend not to be in the cool crowd.
Introverts, being introverts, don’t
feel the need to have or even want the group dynamic. In fact, it’s tiring, it takes too much
energy.
Still I didn’t think any of this would be a convincing or
comforting response to my daughter. I
didn’t want her to understand the girls’ treatment of her as a valid judgment
on her. That she lacked anything, or was
somehow unacceptable. What to say?
“Hey, I wasn’t cool in school, but I turned out ok.” Or
“You’re cool to me.” Or “Who cares what
they think or what they do? You be
you. Why would you want to be a cool
girl anyway?”
What a dumb question.
Everyone wants to be some version of “cool.” Being cool is important. I get it.
If your peers think you are cool, it’s a nice boost to your self-esteem. And in this town, like many, being thought of
as cool or popular really does have material benefits: the cool people hang out
together, network, and land each other jobs, positions on boards, timeshares in
Florida. “Cool” often translates as important.
But – and I’m
paraphrasing Aristotle here – being cool isn’t the same as being happy. And even the cool people want to be happy.
So I could tell my daughter the truth: being cool is
completely relative. It’s dependent on
other people’s perceptions, opinions and whims, which you can’t control, under
ever-changing circumstances. It also
depends on your own self-perception. If
you think you’re cool, doesn’t that make you so? Isn’t it cool to be unashamedly whoever you
are?
The overwhelming problem with putting any kind of premium on
“coolness” is that it’s so very insular.
The more you turn inward, associating only with those like you, drawing
your strength and values in validating the qualities of those like you, the
less practice you have in displaying empathy, thinking critically, being
open-minded and open-hearted with those not
like you. There is a dangerous mindset
that accompanies this group-think, and many writers have commented on the adolescent
dangers of peer pressure. But the danger
extends to the excluded, for even an outsider who dubs the popular girls
“snobs” to cover the hurt of exclusion risks becoming someone who discriminates
and rejects.
Early in the novel Jane
Eyre, the young Jane is excluded by the wealthy Reed family because she is
poor and plain. When Aunt Reed tells her
children they are not to associate with Jane, Jane in turn cries out
passionately and defiantly, “They are not fit to associate with me!” She responds to their rejection of her by
rejecting them. I remember my college professor remarking, “You
see, Jane is as hard-hearted, in her own way, as the Reeds.” And there’s real vulnerability in that
attitude – not just the risk of hurt feelings and low self-esteem but the
threat of giving in to anger, pride, even violence.
What’s the answer? What are we as parents supposed to do about it? Kids will always divide themselves into
groups, and there will always be a hierarchy of those groups based on some
criteria, and it will shape our children’s self-esteem.
Well, it turns out, the answer is hanging on the wall of my
daughter’s bedroom. It’s a canvas, made
by another one of my college students, that reads: “Be kinder than necessary,
for everyone you know is fighting some kind of battle.” This quotation has been attributed to almost
every inspirational figure from Plato to Walt Disney. I see it now as a cure to the dangers of
“cool”. And if “cool” is defined as
“admirable,” “fashionable,” “acceptable” – well, cool! It’s acceptable to be accepting of everyone
you know, and then some. The more we can
convince our children that it’s cool to be openly kind and open-hearted, by
lesson and example, the better. By this
standard, I hope both my daughter and I are one of the cool girls.
|
Drew Arms |